Once i was told a joke.
A pretty lame joke, but one i thought i could share with other friends.
Since then it has taken on a life of its own, growing and evolving over the years. Witnessed and groaned at by many people.
For the past 12 years or so “The joke” has only been told once a year, at Norwich beer festival. But i transcribe it here for those unfortunates who are unable to attend, or who would like to know what they’re letting themselves in for before agreeing to come.
O.k are we all ready, let’s get the excuses out of the way right up front.
This is a long joke. I don’t want you ploughing through this lot and then moaning to me about how lame the punchline was.
The punchline is pretty lame
I don’t want to hear you whinging that you couldn’t see the actions
The joke has actions, i’ve put in some clips to give you the idea, but you’re going to have to work with me on this!
Have you been to the loo? This joke takes anything from 30 mins to an hour to tell. You’re in for a long haul here.
It’s a long joke. I’ll put the punchlines in bold then you can just read those if you like.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then i’ll begin….
Being educated people, you will be familiar with Aesops fable of the city mouse and the country mouse. Wherein each visits the other and learns about himself.
Well this story concerns a city cousin and country cousin.
Now the city cousin lived in the big metropolitan city of Norwich, the country cousin lived out in Old Buckenham.
You probably know it, lovely village green and two pubs. The landlord of the white horse had a squint as i remember, which meant he would look at person next to you when asking what drink you wanted.
The city cousin lived out on the edge of the village near the convent. It’s quite spooky out there. One night a couple of nuns were driving back down the lane. All of a sudden a black shape appeared from the trees, a bat. It swooped and swirled and landed on the front of the car, then before there eyes it turned into a man. A vampire with cruel fangs. Feeling sore afraid one nun turned to the other and said “Show it your cross” So she wound down the window and shouted
“Get off my fucking car”
Actually they have just had some work done at the convent. Two nuns were redecorating the bathroom. One was concerned and said to her sister. “What if we get paint on our robes?, I wouldn’t want to have a dirty habit.” “it’s o.k” said the other “We’ll take off our clothes” And so they set to work naked as the day they fell into the world.
Suddenly there was a knock at the door and a man coughed. “Who’s there” asked the worried nuns ashamed to be seen in such a state. “It’s the blind man” came the response.
“Ahh” the relived nuns replied “do come in”
A man entered the room, turned to the first nun and said
“Nice tits darlin’ where do you want this blind?”
Anyway i digress, you want to know more about the country cousin. Well he lived on a farm Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It is famous in those parts for two things. Firstly it’s scarecrow which has won numerous awards. Apparently it is outstanding in its field.
It’s other claim to fame is the three legged pig. This pig saved the lives of the country cousin and all his family. One night a fire broke out in the old barn next to the farmhouse. The blaze quickly spread to the thatch roof of the house. This pig was woken by the smell of smoke and began to kick and squeal. He leapt the fence and knocked the door open to let the family out. But old granddad was stuck in his room. The pig rushed out and down the lane to the phone box. He used his trotter to call the fire brigade who were soon on the scene. They rescued granddad and thanks to that pig the fire was soon put out.
Now I know what you’re thinking…. “how did the pig lose his leg”
Well with a pig like that you don’t eat it all at once.
They tried running a B & B for a while but it didn’t real work out. First guest was a posh woman up from London. Grandad gave her the tour and made sure to show her the old privy in the garden.
“you mean you have the lavatory outside?” she asked
“There’s not even a lock on the door!”
“well” said Gramps “I’ve lived here 80 years and no-one’s nicked the bucket yet”
Now it’s really due to granddad that the city cousin and the country cousin got together. They met at the old boy’s funeral and agreed they should get together. I know its sad that granddad passed away but he had a good innings. He spent his last years happily in the old folks home. Mind you it wasn’t so good when he first went in.
He’d be sitting quite happily in his chair, then lean to one side. As soon as he did one of the nurses would prop him up again. This happened time and time again ‘til one day he exclaimed “can’t a man even fart in this place”
He soon made some mates though, he was very proud still to be up and about at his ripe age. He said to one of the old boys
“Do you now how old I am?”
“no” the feller replied
“I’m 95” said granddad.
‘Do you know how old I am” he asked an old woman.
“Let me see” she said, then she unzipped his fly and gingerly took the old man’s family jewels in her hand.
“mmm are you 95? She said
“I am I’m 95. How could you tell that?”
“I heard you telling that other bloke”
So the cousins had met up and it was agreed that the country cousin would come up to Norwich and taste life in the city.
He thought that he’d better go and see the doctor first, just in case he needed and inoculations or anything.
Now the Doctor in Old Buckenham is also the vet, so there was a very mixed bunch in the waiting room. He saw his friend dave and waved.
“Hi Dave what’s up”
“ooh” said Dave “I’ve got really bad piles”
“oh” said the country cousin “is that why your sitting on that bean bag?”
“look again” came the reply
Our man sat down next to a woman with a huge Alsation.
“what’s up” he asked
“Well” she replied “the other day I was doing the ironing in the nude, when rover here suddenly jumped up behind me and started mounting me”
“Golly” said the cousin “Are you having him out down then?”
“No” said the woman, “I’m having his claws clipped”
Just then the doctor came out to get the next patient. He had a big red mark on his cheek.
“what happened to you?” asked the receptionist
“Mrs smith just slapped me.”
“Why did she do that?”
“I don’t know I only said she had acute angina”
The next patient to go in was a large woman.
“What seems to be the trouble? “ asked the doc
“Well, my breasts are growing at an alarming rate. Yesterday but a bee sting, and today well see for yourself.”
“mmm” said the doc “We’ll have to do some tests, but first I’d better weigh them.”
Watch the clip to see the inevitable action
Next up was a man dressed all in white.
“What’s the matter with you then” asked the ever patient doc
“I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my bum”
“Don’t you start”
It was a busy day in the surgery next in was a worried looking man.
“Have you got the wife’s test results doctor” he asked
“I had them somewhere Mr Jones, can’t think where they are. I forget what it was now but if was either AIDS or Alzheimers.
“AIDS or Alzheimers?” Said the man “What should I do?”
“Well” said the Doc “put her on the bus, and if she comes home don’t shag her”
A mother and son went in next.
“It’s little johnny” explained the woman, “he thinks he’s a chicken”
“how long has he been like this?” asked the doc
“About 6 months. I’d have brought him in sooner only we needed the eggs.”
All this time country cousin had been flicking through the magazines and reading all about the female “organism” in an old copy of Cosmo.
It all left him rather confused, but he got his jabs and set off for the station.
“return ticket please” he asked the station master
“back here of course”
Surprisingly he managed to get the train and was soon on his was to the city.
Now at this point I should probably tell you a bit about the city cousin.
There’s not much to say really, he has only got one eye though.
The other one just fell out when he was young. Being a bit hard up his dad made him a new one from a piece of mahogany. It looks o.k and unless it comes out in conversation nobody mentions it.
He works in the big hardware store, has done since he left school. He was a natural. One the first day the manger told him to watch and learn.
“Here see this customer, see how I serve him.”
“Good morning sir, how can I help?”
“I’d like some grass seed please” said the customer.
“Certainly sir, would you like regular or fast grow seed?”
“Well, fast grow I think.”
“Of course….could I interest you in a lawn mower too sir, we have them on special at the moment.”
“a lawn mower?….”
“it is very fast growing seed sir.”
“o.k better take one I suppose.”
The manager turns to the cousin and explains how he has a satisfied customer and has shifted one of those old lawn mowers they need to clear out. The city cousin takes the next customer.
“Good morning sir, how can I help?”
“ermm I need some sanitary towels.. for the wife.”
“Certainly sir, would you like regular or super heavy flow?”
“erm super heavy I guess.”
“certainly sir..could I interest you in a lawn mower too sir, we have them on special at the moment.”
“What do I need a lawn mower for?”
“Well you’re not getting any this weekend you might as well cut the grass.”
The city cousin lives up by the church. They’d recently been on a recruitment drive, 3 couples came along hoping to join the church.
“Becoming part of the church is a serious and solemn occasion.” Explained the vicar.
“As a test of your devotion you must go without congress for 3 weeks”
3 weeks later the couples returned and explained how they had got on.
The first couple described their experience.
“Well the first week was hard, the second worse but by the third week we’d reached a new level in our relationship, above the carnal.”
“well done” said the vicar “welcome to the church”
The next couple had a similar experience.
“I was tempted” said the man “but together we overcame that temptation.
“well done, welcome to the church”
The third couple looked a bit sheepish.
“how did you do?” asked the vicar.
“well it was really difficult” explained the man. “One day as the wife was bending down to get some peas I was overcome with lust and took her there and then.”
“oh dear” said the vicar “I’m afraid you are not welcome here.”
“Yeah” said the man “That’s what the bloke in Tesco said too.”
The vicar works hard and was planning to go on holiday. A young curate was due to take over for two weeks and was learning the ropes.
“Try taking confession for me, I’ve put a list of penances on the wall, you can just look things up, I’m right here if you get stuck.”
Well the first parishioner came into the booth.
“bless me father I have sinned. I have committed adultery.”
“oh my child” said the curate “you have strayed from the path.” Then looking on the list he found adultery and gave the appropriate penance
“say 10 Hail Marys and 15 Our Fathers, God be with you.”
The next to come in was an old woman.
“Bless me father I’ve done a terrible thing, I took the Lords name in vain.”
The curate looked up ‘blasphemy’ and gave the woman her penance.
Then a teenager came in.
“Bless me father I have sinned, I’ve been masturbating.”
He looked down the list but couldn’t find anything there under M or W. so he leant out of the door and whispered to the priest. “Father what do you give for a wank?”
Without thinking the vicar turned and said “A mars bar and a packet of crisps”
Anyway, country cousin arrives in town, and feeling a bit peckish drops into a sandwich shop near the station.
A board in the shop lists all the fillings, there’s tuna, ham, cheese, etc etc and at the bottom it says “banjo”
“What do you fancy?” asks the sandwich guy.
“What’s a banjo?” asks our fella.
“The banjo, very popular sandwich that. It’s a baguette filled with cheese, ham, onion, salad and loads and loads of mayonaisse.”
“sounds great, give me one of those.”
As he bites into it a great glob of mayo squirts out onto his shirt…
and he says….
(n.b Frank Carson told me that joke in the green room at Meridian T.V)
He carried on down the road until he came to a row of shops, the first was a pet shop. A man went in asked if they had any wasps.
“No. don’t sell ’em”
“But you’ve got one in the window!”
Next was a chemist’s, the country cousin was surprised to see a duck going in so he followed.
“I need some lip balm please” Quacked the duck
“That’s £1.50 please.” Said the lady behind the counter. “Do you want a bag?”
“Put it on my bill.”
As the country cousin went further out of town he came to a busy road. Every time he stepped out to cross, a car would go rushing past, forcing him back.
He’d been there about 10 minutes when a chap came up and said.
“There’s a pedestrian crossing down the road mate.”
“We’ll he’s having more luck then me.” Replied the cousin.
As he was standing by the road there was a screech of brakes and he turned to see a cat hit by a car. He went over and saw that it was dead. The collar gave an address in the next street so thought he should go and tell the owner.
He knocked on the door and told the woman what he had seen.
“Are you sure it was my cat? what did it look like?” She asked.
“well it was kind of like this….”
“Oh, it looked like this….”
“I am the geni of the lamp, you can choose one wish, and i will make it come true.”
“Well there is a recession on, we’re all cutting back.”
“O.k” said the cousin “i wish i was the luckiest man on earth.
“Your wish is my command.” And with another POOF the geni vanished.
Country cousin thought he would try out his luck so he bought a lottery card from a nearby shop.
“Wow said the shopkeeper, you’ve won. It’s a world cruise. You must be the luckiest man in the world.”
” I am feeling pretty lucky.” said the cousin.
“oh but hang on. “said the shopkeeper “the cruise leaves tomorrow from Southampton.”
As he spoke another customer entered the shop.
” It’s your luck day.” he said ” I’m driving a limo full of pole dancers down to Southampton. I’ll give you a lift if you like.”
So he gets to the port and catches the boat, luckily he got there just in time. As they cruised the world he won the on board raffle. Then, as they entered the Indian Ocean, a huge storm blew up. The ship was capsized and all hands were lost. Except the country cousin who luckily was washed ashore completely unharmed clutching a crate of finest champagne.
“Wow” said the villagers who found him. “You must be the luckiest man in the world.”
“I am feeling lucky” He replied.
Now, i should stop here a moment and tell you a bit about this village. Because it was home to the most beautiful woman on earth, i mean a real looker. All the men in the village had tried their luck with her but she’d turned them all down. Waiting for the one.
As soon as the country cousin walked into the village though, she was instantly drawn to him.
“He’s really a lucky guy.” Said the other villagers.
Well it wasn’t long before they ended up in her room. Getting down to some country style lovin’.
But as he was getting in the swing of things, he lost it.
So perhaps this was the irony, here in an idyllic village by the sea, with a beautiful woman, and he couldn’t perfom.
“What’s the matter my love?” she asked
“I don’t know”, he said i think its that spot on your forehead it’s distracting me.
“Well then you may remove it.”
“He began to rub the Bindi away with his finger and suddenly exclaimed.
“Bloody hell. I’ve won a car”
Eventually he gets back to Norwich and finds his way to the city cousins road. Unfortunately the road is blocked off, there are police and ambulances everywhere, and the building site at the end of the street is cordoned off.
He asks a police woman what has happened and she explains.
“It’s terrible, three men killed themselves here earlier. An Englishman, Irishmand and Scotsman. Appparently it was all to do with their lunches. The day before the Englishman had opened his lunch box and gone mad. He had tomato and pickle sandwhiches. He raved about having tomato and pickle every day even though everyone knew he didn’t like pickle. The Scotsman was similar, cheese and tuna in his. He said he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions if he got the same again. The Irishman had ham and peanut butter in his sarnies and also reacted badly.
Well today at lunch what do you think happened, they got the same again. The Englishman threw his down and calmly drew out his knife and cut his own throat. The Scotsman in a rage ran along the scaffold and jumped off landing in a bucket of hot tar. The Irishman took a trowel and slashed his wrists, jumped off the building into wet concrete staggered into the road and was hit by a bus.”
“That’s awful” said the country cousin.
“That’s not the worst” replied the WPC. “I had to tell their wives. When i went to the Englishman’s house his wife was distraught, she moaned and wailed, if only she’d known how he felt. At the Scotsman’s place his wife was equally upset, he’d never told her he was allergic to tuna. When i saw the Irishman’s wife she was crying and confused. ‘I don’t understand’ she said ‘Paddy always made his own sandwiches'”
When the road was cleared the country cousin finally got to meet up with his relation.
There was a big night out planned, first the pub then onto a club. All the city living a newcomer could want.
Surprisingly the first person they saw in the pub was Bob. You all know Bob.
I remember when i first met him actually. We were in that self same pub, and i couldn’t help but notice that Bob was chatting and waving to everyone in the place.
“Bob” i said “Do you know everyone who drinks in here”
“Yeah, what’s more i know everyone in the world. I am on good speaking terms with every inhabitant of the planet.”
“Bollocks” i said “Prove it, i bet you don’t know ……Gordon Brown”
“Yup me and old Gordy go way back, he’s a grumpy bugger but alright once he’s had a few. We’ll go and see him if you don’t believe me.”
So right there and then we go to the station where the ticket man says
“Hi Bob, how’s things, you know you don’t need a ticket, just jump on.”
So we get down to London, over to Downing St. The copper on the door sees Bob, drops his gun and gives him a big old bear hug. We go straight in and have a chat with the prime minister.
“O.k” i say “maybe you know him, but i bet you don’t know the queen.”
“I told you” Says Bob “I’m mates with everyone on the planet.”
“So we go and see the queen! The corgis are all jumping up at Bob and obviously pleased to see him. Even Prince Phillip smiled and shook his hand, as they talked about the old times.
“O.k, o.k ” I say “You might know everyone in the UK, but not the world surely, you can’t know the pope.”
“What old Benny. Yeah we go way back.”
“Prove it i say.”
So we head off to Heathrow, to catch a flight to Rome. The captain comes on the P.A and says
“Ladies and Gentleman, we are currently cruising at 20,000 feet and i’d like to inform passengers, that Bob is on board tonight.”
There was a great cheer, but unfortunately the pilot left the intercom switched on, so everyone heard him say.
“When i get to Rome i’m gonna have a pizza and then shag that new blonde stewardess.”
Hearing this the stewardess rushed towards the cockpit to tell him to turn it off.
“Slow down darling.” Said a woman “He hasn’t had his pizza yet.”
So we get to the Vatican and Bob tells me he has to go in on his own. Says things are bit difficult at the moment etc etc. So i’m thinking he’s just making it up, then i see him and the pope come out onto the balcony, they’re cuddling and laughing. but do you know the most incredible thing?
This japanese tourist next to me looks up and says.
“Who’s that on the balcony with Bob?”
So Anyway Bob was there that night, and they introduced a few of their friends.
“The guy with the spade is Doug, fella next to him with the seagull on his head is Cliff, and the french guy with the sandals is Phillipe Phillope.”
On the way to the club Doug wants to stop at the all night garage. It must be pretty boring working in those places at night. The lad in there on this occasion had thought to pass the time by perusing a top shelf magazine. He’s just enjoying himself when he sees Doug approaching, so he quickly shoots his load into the till and shuts the drawer.
“Hi” Says Doug “You look pleased with yourself”
“Yeah” says the guy “I’ve just come into some money”
One the way to the club country cousin takes his city cousin to one side and asks him how to chat women up in the city. He’s never bothered with any of that before. But this is sophisticated Norwich.
“Well all you have to do” says the city cousin, “is pretend you’ve got a 10p piece balanced on each shoulder.”
A bit like this
So they get to the club, but the country cousin realises he hasn’t got a tie and can’t get in. Luckily one of Bob’s friends has got a set of jump leads, which the country cousin puts round his neck.
When they get to the front of the queue the bouncer looks him up and down and says.
“o.k, in you go, but don’t start anything.”
Well in the club the country cousin soon spots a rather attractive looking young lady and decides to try out the new technique.
He wanders over and, remembering to check the coins says “10p 10p, alright darlin; 10p 10p, get you a drink?”
The system works and he is soon chatting to her and constantly checking his shoulders.
Meanwhile the city cousin isn’t having so much luck. He explains to Bob that he is pretty desperate to get off with a girl tonight, so Bob points out a friend of his. City cousin looks over and there is a pretty blonde, but she has really bent legs, like she has ricketts or something.
Well in for a penny in for a pound, city cousin goes over “10p 10p alright darlin’ fancy a dance?”
She says “would !”
“Fuckin’ bandy legs”
(n.b you will of course remember that the city cousin has got a wooden eye)
Country cousin is getting on well and the girl asks him if he’d like to dance. Well not knowing how to do city dancing he runs back to the city cousin for some advice.
“it’s easy, just pretend you’ve got a 10p on each shoulder and 50p on top of your head. Keep checking the coins and you’ll be laughing.”
A bit like this…
So he’s out on the dance floor, giving it some 10p 10p 50p action. The night begains to draw to a close, a slow number comes on, so he’s going
Then she invites him back to her place for a coffee.
Reckoning he’s onto a good thing he nips back to the city cousin to ask some more advice.
“How do you do the sex in the city? Out in old Buckenham we just drag ’em behind a bush. This is the city, i’ve been reading about these organism things. How do i do it city style?”
“Simple, says cty cousin, pretend youve got a 10p on each shoulder 50p on your head and a £1 coin (a thatcher, because they’re both thick and think they’re a sovereign) balanced on the end of your old fella.”
a bit like this
Well they get back to her place, bit of David Gray on the stereo, glass or Merlot. Things are progressing…
Now i should tell you a bit about the girl. She’d had a rough time with men. They’re all bastards aren’t they. The last bloke she went home with, she was a bit nervous. When she went into his room there were shelves of sotf toys and teddies everywhere. Sounds a bit weird i know, but she liked it, here was a guy who wasn’t afraid of revealing his sensitive side.
Well they spent the night together and next morning she turned to him and said.
“how was it for you?”
Without looking at her he replied.
“Take any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Anyway its not long before the country cousin and the girl have moved in to the bedroom.
And he’s going
10p 10p 50p Pound. 10p 10p 50p pooouund
she says “ooh yes baby”
10p 10p 50 p pound 10p 10p 50p pound
“oh i like that”
10p 10p 50p poouunndd
10p 10p 50p pound 10p 10p 50p pound
10p 10p 50p poouund 10p 10p 50p pound
10p 10p. he get’s faster, 50p pound, faster 10p 10p 50p pound faster 10p 10p 50p pound
“oh fuck it £1.70 1.70 1.70 1.70……..”